A different kind of fun

"I have to say...

I enjoy doing good things for people. Not really for the overall good of mankind, but for the personal self satisfaction that it gives me."

Tonight I got a text message from a..a person well call "Drunky" It starts out simple enough. " Hey whats up? " I respond.

" Chillin u?"

"Yobh im fvbked up! Lol, come to the bar!"

Now even though it was Friday, I was in at 11: 50 pm. I had some studying to do. So I get this text and am thinking hmmm...payback with Mel Gibson is on and I really like this movie and do I really want to leave... my phone rings.

"Heyy threre, ccan you coome out!"

"It's late."

"But youu wavt to com to the barr!"

"No, not really, I still have some studying to do."

"Ok but wannntt to hang outt."

Anyway this goes on for about 5 min. I say call me back when your leaving the bar. So I go
back to my movie and things are fine. Then the phone rings again...same person. "OK, I'm going to drive to your house" (cold shudder)

The slurred speech was only slightly greater than the UV radiation on mercury. I can tell that things are going down hill from here, but since I've been stuck inside all night, WTF, Could be fun. So I reply,

"No! Wait there and who are you with...anyone?"

"Yeah my friend...here"... phone drops to floor... is kicked, and then retrieved.

"Stay out in front of the bar", I say. I'll come get you guys and take you and her home."

So off I go, on my errand of mercy and goodwill.
When I arrive at the bar parking lot, the two girls out front and a couple guys crowding in. Jackals. They smell "drunk girl" and are closing in. As I pull up they scatter...even the hyena knows to leave when the Lion is abroad. Especially when the Lion has 48 hollow point claws. Fucking Vultures.

I talk to the friend, The Sober One. The story is... 5-liquid cocaine's (See Google) 4-vodka and cranberries , 3-rum and cokes....and a partridge in a pear tree.
This would have been a good night start for me, but I got the distinct impression that she had drank all five liquid cocaine's back to back. whoops.

Talking to drunk people when you sober is either really funny or very annoying. Talking to Really Really Drunk people.. it just makes me feel silly. So it was between suppressed giggles as I try to explain to Drunky that the plan is that we are going to leave her car here and I will drive them to her friends house and then her home.

It was right at that time that her friend gets the keys and asked her if she's ready, At that moment, Drunky decides to shout across the parking lot,

"MY CAR DOESN'T LOCK SO DON'T WORRY IF YOU LEAVE THE KEYS IN IT!.

"SHIT" I say. Now the odds of her car being there in the morning have dropped by 85%. So now I have to have the more Sober friend, drive the Really Really Drunk friends car, while I drive the Really Really Drunk friend back to their house.

And so its goes that I end up at these nice people's house at 1:50 am, all the while explaining to the Really Really Drunk person that she has to work tomorrow at 9:30 am.
Now during the drive, there was a lot of talking...slurring...yelling out of windows and fun things like that. I was called some mean names and was told that I was...well unpleasant things were said. The rest was Gobbledygook. Things like,

guzoinkdiddle,

klappamaticallitygoshic,

blsbpewfglknrwlknjwerglknjeglknerglkngelj,

kasakesakisakosaku,

abberflaggen,

flibbitygibber,

plapittanhkolnoronsiperdappledo,

glhughlughullgblugluhblugblugbluglulgu,

dowabodagober,

woperabaverpod,

gaflblaflgburbubrurbkaljawkapquin





Most of it based that I had decided to take her to her friends house to sleep it off. One of the quotes I was able to translate such was:

"Oudafukharoutusyetatindmunk, fuck you"

Which when broken down becomes:

"Ou-da-fuk-har-ou-tu-sye-tat-in-dmunk, fuck you."

Or once more in final translation:

"Who the fuck are you to say that I'm drunk, fuck you."

It's funny because the "Fuck you" at the end came out in perfect English the first two times.
Anyway we made it to the house and that's when the 4Th liquid cocaine hit. It was classic...it was in mid-sentence.

"I'm fine, I'm not going to be sick, I'm...whoa! Everything spinning....!" Drunky goes limp and stops talking.

( Hr-88bpm/RR-14, Normal/AOx3/Eyes = delayed/Alert to voice)


(I smile. Aha, the memories.)

I, with the help of her friend, got her out of the truck and into the house, sprawled in a great kickstand position. (See First aid manual for kickstand position or just Google it ) and looked around. " I need a bucket or large bowl....STAT! I was really enjoying this now. A large stainless steel bowl was produced and I set it next to her.

I explained some very simple things to her such as, this is the floor, do not leave it or you will fall and die. This is a bowl, it is to puke in. Here is water, it will help you not die.
I sat with them and smoke a couple cigarettes and kept my eye on her. The Sober friend suggested food, so her hubby and I made a run to Denny's for a pick-up. While he was inside I got a text from The Sober One...." She is on floor...alive but getting sick...but still alive."
So after we retrieve food I drive back to the house, drop off The Sober One's hubby and take my leave. Last word was vomitting had commenced and ended and sleep has begun.


Now some people might have been bothered by this, being disturbed late at night, and sometimes I have to admit that my patients have been strained by phone calls and trips such as these. But this time it was very enjoyable.

I began to think of the other possible ways tonight could have gone. What ifs started coming to mind. What if I had got the text and just drove to the bar to watch them drive home?
As a matter of fact, I think, had I stopped to think, that driving there just to watch what happened could have be more fun.


What if I just followed at a safe distance and watched them drive shit faced?
Would they have made it out of the parking lot of the bar?
Would the vultures have come in and tried to take them someplace....unpleasant?
Would they have wreaked?
Would they have gotten pulled over and arrested for DUI?

In all likelihood, the night would have gone fine without my intervention. But I do like the quiet contentment of being able help people out sometimes, even at my expense.


It makes me feel good.... about me.