Prison tales: The dairy of a feline POW

Day 421.


I have been prisoner here for 421 human days. I know now that I shall never be released from this vile place. It has been a long struggle and some would say futile, but I shall not give up hope. Hope is the only thing I have left. Hope and the bitter hatered I bare my captors. The other prisoners here are brain washed buffouns. My repeated escape attemps continue to be thwarted. The leak, as I suspected, is the insufferable snitch living in the cage near the window. Due to my recent attempt to rid the feathery little informant of his life, I have been placed in solitary confinment. The humans believe that depriving me of their company and the little freedom it grants me will extinguish the seething comtempt I have for them. Little do they know that it shall only afford me the time to plan my empyreal escape from this detestable incareration.


The humans have compiled a list of the "crimes" I have commited during my tenure of my captivity and have forned this into a confession of sorts.
They wish me to auqiesque to their request for submission in return for the restortion of my so called "freedom".

Below is their list of demands, given to me in the form of a confession.






I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.

My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that. I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the tush when she sits back down.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with!

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m.with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubblebath and singe my Butt and whiskers and fall in the tub to boot!

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will cease my obsession with the box my humans keep their condoms in. This box is not for me. I will not knock it on the ground, I will not sit on it, I will not try to scratch it open. Especially when my humans are using the condoms.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none of the other things would have happened.

I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons.

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

After my human washes and polishes the kitchen floor is not the time to go running by as it will cause the refrigerator to run into me, I will have to look indignant, and castize it for ill behavior.

If I have been declawed, hitting the dog in the nose only surprises him.

Just because I was accidentally let into the garage once does not mean that it is now a part of my official domain. When I hear the human pulling into the garage I will not jump onto the washing machine ready to leap into the garage the moment the connecting door is opened. The sounds of grocery bags crashing to the floor scares me.

While the human's laserprinter makes an excellent perch for looking out the office window, I realize that I'm now too big and fat to use it in this way. I will not look shocked and outraged when the human asks me to get down from the printer.

Dry cat food is both tasty and nutritious, and it is always available. I need not starve myself and act pitiful all day long in anticipation of the canned food.

The matted hair on my chest does not make me look more muscular. Speaking of the matted hair on my chest, there are no vital organs attached to it, so getting the mats combed and/or cut out does not require me to go into jungle kitty survive-at-any-cost mode, clawing and biting my way to freedom.

While the human appreciates the affection showed when I make bread on his stomach or leg, I must realize that not all parts of the human's body are appropriate for kneading. When I do cause pain by kneading in the wrong place, and the human puts his hand under the sheet and moves his sensitive parts away from my paws, that is not an invitation to play pounce on the sheet monster with all my strength.

When jumping from the top of the chiffarobe onto the human's bed in the middle of the night I will not use his groin or stomach or adam's apple as my landing target.

I am a black cat. I must realize that the human's eyes are less sensitive in the dark than mine are. If I forget this and get stepped on in the middle of the middle of the night I will not wail about it for an hour unless I want to get put into the Car Of Doom and taken to the vet.

I have long fur, and I must realize that this means that occasionally I will need to be brushed. When this happens I will not carry on like my skin is being scraped off by a cheese grater. This makes my cat buddies nervous.

Nugget is allowed to use the litterbox. When I see Nugget using the litterbox I will not immediately run into the dining room and shit on the floor.

When the human sets out 3 cat treats it's supposed to be one for each cat. I will not race around wolfing down all of the treats as fast as I can.

I am not as cool as I'd like people to think I am.I can see visitors just fine without needing to be 1 inch from their face at all times. I do not need to smell everyone's breath as it is none of my business what they've been eating.

While the vacuum cleaner is obviously evil and trying to get me, I will try to remember that the human tries very hard to control the beast and keep it away from me. Also, once the beast's awful roaring stops that means the human has successfully wrestled it back into the closet and it's safe for me to come back out. I do not need to continue hiding for 6 more hours just in case.

The sound of pool balls being broke apart does not signal the impending destruction of the universe.
My human's bear foot slipper is not a whore. I will treat it with respect.

My human does not exist solely to brush my fur. I will not act pitiful and woebegone if the human gets within 3 feet of the brush without using it on me.

I will try to remember that the human's office chair has wheels on it, and that those wheels are not mere decoration. If my tail gets run over because I decided to take a nap behind that chair it's my own fault and I will not attack Buddy for laughing at me.

I will try very hard to resist my urge to jump into the large black bags that are sometimes available in the kitchen. If I give in to my urges and get yucky stuff all over me I will submit to being sprayed off in the sink without trying to rip the human's testicles off.

When I decide to go into psycho-kitty mode I will stop being ambiguous about it. No more of this rubbing lovingly against the vacuum lady's legs, then hissing and growling at her if she tries to move. This two-faced behavior confuses her and may even contribute to her falling down the stairs.

When the human puts me into the Cage Of Death for a trip to the vet, I will not try to use my own urine as a corrosive agent to eat through the cage walls.

The things that the human scoops out of the litterbox while cleaning it are not toys. I will not bat them from the scoop onto the floor and under the washing machine.

It is difficult for the human to clean the litterbox when I'm using it. I will at least wait until his hands are clear.

Ringworm salve is not food. I will not immediately start licking it off as soon as the human finishes rubbing it on me.

When I allow the terror to overwhelm me and I decide to flee down the stairs as fast as I can, I will at least maintain enough clarity to make sure the door is open first. I will also strive to touch at least one of the fourteen steps on the way down.

When the black cat (a neighborhood stray) comes onto the deck looking for handouts I will not try to show off by climbing up the blinds.

My human's friends and relatives are not cat torturers from the planet Killacat IV. I need not climb up inside the couch and cower in terror each time someone comes to visit the human.

When the human goes outside, then comes back in, it probably means that he forgot his keys. It does not mean that he forgot to kill and eat me.

There is nothing interesting underneath the pool table cover.The "Gobblers" cat treats that the human tries to give me are not poison. I should know this by the way Buddy wolfs them down.

The sound of the doorbell ringing is not the seventh sign of the apocalypse. Neither is the sound of the phone ringing, or the dryer buzzer, or the alarm clock.Speaking of the alarm clock, when I am sleeping with the human and the alarm goes off, I will not try to hide by burrowing into his abdomen.

The Christmas tree is not made of catnip, and the ornaments are not toys.

My human is not trying to steal my food bowl. When my human takes my food bowl it is to get me more food. Biteing her hand will not make her go any faster.

The bath tub is not a play pen. I will stop depositing my toys there.

I will not run to the kitchen and cry for food every time my human walks past the kitchen to go to the bathroom.

When my human chases me, it is probobly to take back the yarn I stole from her. I should stop and drop the yarn, not run faster then try to disembowel the skein.

I will not chase my toy mice under the fridge or oven. If I do loose a mouse under there, I will not cry until my human retrieves it for me.

Knitting needles are not toys.

I shall aim better when peeing in my litter box.

As fun as it is to ruin Ernie's fun, I shall resist the urge to steal his yarn when he is playing with it.If I do steal his yarn, I will not be suprised when he bites back.

I have a sensitive stomach. I will try not to wolf down my entire bowl of food in under a minute only to vomit it back up.Should I forget not to wolf my food down, I will remember not to vomit in my humans shoes.

There is nothing for me in the fridge (besides medicine). I will stop sticking my head into the fridge when my human trys to close it.

Flowers belong in vases, not on the table next to the vase, no matter now nicely I lay them out.

If my humans shut me out of the bedroom at night, they have not left me forever.

I will not lay out all of my toys in front of the bedroom door and proceed to cry until they come play with me.

I will never catch the glowing red dot.

Books are not to be layed on. Especially if my human is reading it at the time.

I will not play with my human's belt while he is trying to put it on.

I understand that my humans will laugh at me if I leap onto the table, slide off the side, through a screen and onto the porch. They are insensitive like that.





It is against all of my soul to agree to such a blantant form of submission. I will agree with their demands if only to lull their trust. I will make them believe their tactics have succeded, I will use their arrogance against them. And when time time is right, I shall have my revenge.

Victory shall be mine!