Laughter is the best medicine

GOOD - BETTER - BEST

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one
day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by
two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this
hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good
news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found
your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going
to pull her up again tomorrow morning."





Blond wants a Job as a Cop



A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"




The State Patrolman Gets good answer



A guy is pulled over on a highway for excessive speed, when asked by the officer why he didnt immediately pull over and stop when he seen the police cruiser the fast thinking fellow had the perfect response...


"Well you see Officer its like this, a couple of weeks ago my wife ran off with a highway patrolman and when I seen the flashing lights I thought it was him trying to return her!"




The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."




The new CIA agents


Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.

They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."

The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."

Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.

The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."




TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN EXPOSED TO HAZARDOUS MATERIAL:

1) Two 18-wheelers collided. You arrive at the scene of the accident just in time to see the two drivers' bodies melt.

2) Your body hair is getting so coarse, it's starting to poke through your uniform.

3) You can predict the weather by the length of your bowel movements.

4) Instead of chocolate sprinkles, you ask for wood chips on your donuts.

5) You order raw meat at your favorite restaurant.

6) Your apartment is suddenly roach-free.

7) At night there's this eerie green glow - and it's you!

8) You start to generate electricity and sparks fly from your mouth when you drink water.

9) The tomatoes growing in your backyard are the size of pumpkins.

10) They transfer you to Area 51.






You Might be a Firefighter if...

1.You can tell what type of fire it is by the smell of smoke 10 miles away.
2.You have ever had a heated debate over the color of firetrucks.
3.You have ever spent 10 min trying to force open a door only to have someone come along and open it by turning the handle.
4.You have ever taken 10 or more showers in 1 day.
5.You lay out your cloths from that day so if there is a call at night you can find them quickly.
6.You take great joy in smashing the windows of a car parked in a fire zone or in front of a hydrant.
7.You have ever been airborne without an aircraft and water was your thrust.
8.You always wear red suspenders.
9.You have ever slept in a hosebed.
10.You carry a ton of specially modified tools in your pocket.
11.You ever cursed out someone for armor-alling the seats to make them look nice.
12.You've ever clung to the air horn chord for dear life because the driver is insane.
13.You have ever played jingle bells at Xmas time on the air horns to clear traffic.
14.You double your weight every time you go on a job a building.
15.You have ever said, "she's hot tonight" and not been talking about a girl.
16.You have ever had "yoda ears"
17.You have ever called a person found after a fire a "crispy critter"
18.You have ever smoked and there wasn't a cigarette in sight.
19.You have ever stomped out a fire with your boots because you couldn't wait for water.
20.You have ever walked 3 miles into the woods in 100 degree heat in full turnout gear and a 5 gal or more water can strapped on your back just to put out a fire.
21. your kids are afraid to get into water fights with you.
22. "climbing the corporate ladder" has nothing to do with career advancement.
23.your work gear makes you sound like Darth Vader.
24.You roll around in anything that just burned to make your new gear look old.
25.You take pride in the fact that you haven't washed your gear in years.
26.You carry enough in your pockets to give the Swiss army knives competition.
27.You carry enough in your car to extinguish a minor blaze.
28.You have ever juggled hot coals with your gloves.
29.Your Own vehicle has more lights than a Christmas tree.
30.All the shirts you own say you are a firefighter.
31.You find yourself living at the fire department 365 days a year!
32.When you go to rent a movie, and they insist on getting Backdraft EVERY TIME!
33.You are caught on the back of a truck with your girlfriend or wife in the middle of something and the page goes out for a call.
34.if you have more pagers than than money in your wallet.
35.if the smell of a fire excites you more than sex does.
36.if a great stop has nothing do with a moving vehicle.
37.if assembling a mile and a half of hose to catch fire in running up hill is a good day.
38.The microwave goes off and you run out of the house thinking it was your pager.
39.you ever tried to patent a 911 blocker with the phone Company
40.if you can hear that the siren will go off even before your dog notices it.
41.If you have ever woken up thinking your pager went off and as you look at it, it goes off
42. if you have ever tested your gloves by putting a fuzzie out on your hand.
43.If you have ever been awakened with a CO2 extinguisher
44.If you have ever dried your gloves on the trucks exhaust
45.You know you're a firefighter when you really think that rusty old hydrant looks good in the garden. :)
46.All your friends give you t-shirts from their departments for your birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc.
47.if your wife voluntarily chooses the lumpy side of the bed to Avoid being trampled in route to a call!
48.your wife/girlfriend has learned to duck and cover when she hears the pager go off for fear of being run down.
49.if you had to extricate someone by cutting the car doors off on one side and realized there was nothing wrong with the doors on the other side.
50.If youhave more toy fire trucks than your kids do.
51.When you have ever made a jacuzzi out of a 2100 gallon dump tank and a rescue boat motor (15 horse Merc). ..It was hot!.............Watch yer toes!
52.When you take all of your improtant stuff (like wallets and pagers) out of your pockets before going to a training involving a portable tank.